i may be losing my noggin.
today i signed the date as march, 2006...
one more paper to write, a fluff paper. it's been so long, i forgot what goes on the cover page.
i asked the same question within 2 minutes.
i realized that when i type, i only use the shift key on the right side, even if i want a capital 'P'
and... i ate ice cream as medicine today; it worked!
hmm...
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Why is it that in one day, even in one portion of a day, I can vacillate so much between contentment and discontentment? Even more, there are times where I feel both sentiments forcefully in the same moment. Sometimes it is unbearable, and others, a sweet dissonance. Am I crazy?!! Sheisse! What is going on in this heart of mine! Some sort of mixture between hope and grace.
Hope: longing and yearning, desiring more.
Grace: God's spirit present, here with me, His absolute goodness.
Longing for heaven... yearning for it, wanting to be there... It's like, in my mouth, but I can't eat it. Can't have REAL interface with it. I only have a vague memory of it.. weird: memory of the future. This is what I'm made for, what I'm fashioned for, and I can't have it now... so much further to go still. More time to carry this subtle ache. More opportunities to bring a little more, and then a little more of heaven on earth.
Heaven on earth, we need it now.
Jesus, can you take the time,
To throw a drowning man a line,
Peace on earth...
Still Thinking About Hope...
(there will be no fluidity to this post because my heart feels anything but fluid in sorting this out)
Important background to catch before I dive in is the fact that in the past several months, my heart has been moved to search out hope like never before. In the process, my idea of the substance of hope has expanded so much that it doesn't look anything like what I would have thought it was a few years ago. A flighty, transient, soft-spoken wish? Hell no... For me, words like agony, aching, yearning and pain seem to grasp its substance better.
Childbirth: Always pain before a child is born.
As I encounter God's heart more - the deep desires of His heart for things like peace, justice, love; and match them up against the reality of this world and how these values are absent, my heart is left broken. The cost of these values is more than I can weigh. When the darkness and evil surmounts, as it seems to more and more, fighting for hope feels a foolish thing to do, let alone believing for change. Reality says, 'Jenna, don't you see how bad it is out there? Don't you see that every attempt to bring abounding good is thwarted? Why do you hang on to a thread of belief?'
The darkness itself hurts, but so does a heart of hope. I don't even think I can describe the tension of my heart: despair in the forbearance of hope, but also not wanting it any other way. What if all these deep desires were met this side of heaven... how much would I really hunger the presence of God fully revealed? Would the tastes that I've savoured - memories of the future - cause a hunger in my heart for more, and more? If all things that I desired were met here on earth, what would be the impetus of my life that would keep me going?
That would cause me to press on?
Desire all that is to come?
(there will be no fluidity to this post because my heart feels anything but fluid in sorting this out)
Important background to catch before I dive in is the fact that in the past several months, my heart has been moved to search out hope like never before. In the process, my idea of the substance of hope has expanded so much that it doesn't look anything like what I would have thought it was a few years ago. A flighty, transient, soft-spoken wish? Hell no... For me, words like agony, aching, yearning and pain seem to grasp its substance better.
Childbirth: Always pain before a child is born.
As I encounter God's heart more - the deep desires of His heart for things like peace, justice, love; and match them up against the reality of this world and how these values are absent, my heart is left broken. The cost of these values is more than I can weigh. When the darkness and evil surmounts, as it seems to more and more, fighting for hope feels a foolish thing to do, let alone believing for change. Reality says, 'Jenna, don't you see how bad it is out there? Don't you see that every attempt to bring abounding good is thwarted? Why do you hang on to a thread of belief?'
The darkness itself hurts, but so does a heart of hope. I don't even think I can describe the tension of my heart: despair in the forbearance of hope, but also not wanting it any other way. What if all these deep desires were met this side of heaven... how much would I really hunger the presence of God fully revealed? Would the tastes that I've savoured - memories of the future - cause a hunger in my heart for more, and more? If all things that I desired were met here on earth, what would be the impetus of my life that would keep me going?
That would cause me to press on?
Desire all that is to come?
Friday, March 16, 2007
Hope.
This thing called hope. Oh my goodness! It's such a mystery to me! I've thought about it, wrestled with it, fought against it, sat with the idea of it for some time now, and it's still mesmerizing to me. A few weeks ago, I tossed a certain desire and hope to the side; I decided it wasn't worth waiting for anymore.
After a little while, I realized the hope wasn't really gone. It was in fake release. Somehow I recognized that the hope was only covered up with a sense of bitterness in my heart - a 'FINE then', hard fist kind of way... And I didn't like that so much. Though it's hard, and the road of continued effort to keep hoping is soo grueling sometimes, I realized, in a completely non-comforting way that it's better to carry unmet desire in my heart than it is to have 'fake release' that is rooted in bitterness. I'm bound to get ugly with any hint of bitterness in my heart.
It seems to me the only option is to carry on hoping: there must be some reason that it lives on, and some reason why it won't simply dissolve in my heart. It must be worth something.
This thing called hope. Oh my goodness! It's such a mystery to me! I've thought about it, wrestled with it, fought against it, sat with the idea of it for some time now, and it's still mesmerizing to me. A few weeks ago, I tossed a certain desire and hope to the side; I decided it wasn't worth waiting for anymore.
After a little while, I realized the hope wasn't really gone. It was in fake release. Somehow I recognized that the hope was only covered up with a sense of bitterness in my heart - a 'FINE then', hard fist kind of way... And I didn't like that so much. Though it's hard, and the road of continued effort to keep hoping is soo grueling sometimes, I realized, in a completely non-comforting way that it's better to carry unmet desire in my heart than it is to have 'fake release' that is rooted in bitterness. I'm bound to get ugly with any hint of bitterness in my heart.
It seems to me the only option is to carry on hoping: there must be some reason that it lives on, and some reason why it won't simply dissolve in my heart. It must be worth something.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Needles are fun!
Watch out for Jenna with a needle because... I accomplished my first IV start today and I think it's fun! I took some 'donated' materials home from the hospital to practice... actually... I stole them - but ALL in the name of learning! It's socialized healthcare here anyway! My victim was a dinner guest - thanks Sam! In a very weird way, needles are my favorite skill of nursing, and having a target, such as a vein, is just all the more fun! Ha!
Watch out for Jenna with a needle because... I accomplished my first IV start today and I think it's fun! I took some 'donated' materials home from the hospital to practice... actually... I stole them - but ALL in the name of learning! It's socialized healthcare here anyway! My victim was a dinner guest - thanks Sam! In a very weird way, needles are my favorite skill of nursing, and having a target, such as a vein, is just all the more fun! Ha!
Monday, March 5, 2007
He Shook With Joy
Today was a rare moment when I went to chapel and found myself engaging in Trinity community. As I sang, I was moved to inner rejoicing, but then I saw something that provoked an expresssion that could not be contained: I smiled a big smile. In the seat below me was a man with special needs and his waving lifted hands caught my eye. I saw a man overcome with joy as he shamelessly engaged with his Creator. Praise reverberated throughout his entire body and it caused me to rejoice as I witnessed this glorious interaction. It didn't matter that he has a harder time understanding certain concepts or fewer social skills. It didn't matter that he is typically viewed as less. I truly believe these people are an undervalued asset to our society. They show us things we oft become blind toward. They tend to have unbelievably unreserved hearts in giving. They are whole, and they are needed. I love to watch and participate in corporate worship because it never ceases to amaze me how God meets each of us, face to face, where we are at, and that His meeting with us causes a range of responses because of His inspiringly unique creation.
Today was a rare moment when I went to chapel and found myself engaging in Trinity community. As I sang, I was moved to inner rejoicing, but then I saw something that provoked an expresssion that could not be contained: I smiled a big smile. In the seat below me was a man with special needs and his waving lifted hands caught my eye. I saw a man overcome with joy as he shamelessly engaged with his Creator. Praise reverberated throughout his entire body and it caused me to rejoice as I witnessed this glorious interaction. It didn't matter that he has a harder time understanding certain concepts or fewer social skills. It didn't matter that he is typically viewed as less. I truly believe these people are an undervalued asset to our society. They show us things we oft become blind toward. They tend to have unbelievably unreserved hearts in giving. They are whole, and they are needed. I love to watch and participate in corporate worship because it never ceases to amaze me how God meets each of us, face to face, where we are at, and that His meeting with us causes a range of responses because of His inspiringly unique creation.
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