This is blog worthy.
After a long hiatus from blogging, I return, because this moment amused me with giggles. I have always wanted to keep the ability of laughing at myself with the bizarre moments I find myself in, and today was yet another. After a wonderful ski this morning, I got back to my car and listened to a message on my phone. I distinctly remember setting it somewhere on the seat next to me. Perusing the aisles of fred meyer, I had a quick question for mom about ingredients for a recipe. Reaching for my phone in my purse, I realized it wasn't there. "Hmm... maybe it never made its way into my purse and is still in my car."

It wasn't. So there I was checking and re-checking for the whereabouts of this dang piece of plastic I've come to depend on a lot. The self-talk starts running through my head "Well, if it's really lost like it seems it is, just 'poof', gone, then at least it slows me down some, quiets life a little... But shoot, I don't have her address to send her that package, and I can't call her again either because I don't have the number" or... "Bummer, now I can't get together with her because I don't have her number either. Hmmm... this could be a problem."

Not all is lost. I'm determined it's still somewhere in my car. So... when arriving home, I call my number, waiting, waiting for the relief of that ring. I hear it! I lift the purse in my hand, thinking that's the only logical place for it to be. Nope, not there. "WHAT!! Where is it, the ring is RIGHT by my ear, where could it possibly be coming from?! I'm insane?!" And then I realize it's in the HOOD OF MY COAT. Oh my gosh. I was carrying it with me the entire time in the store, basically AROUND MY NECK, completely unaware I had it with me all the while. Ha! Ohh silliness!

Tears That Breed Trust.

She's 19.

32 weeks pregnant :: she found her boyfriend cheating on her with her sister :: in the hospital for polypharmacy drug overdose :: her own attempt to end the pain :: Betrayed. This is the story of her life.

She's 19.

her parents are alcoholics and absent in her life :: her uncle raped her when she was young :: her sister comes to the hospital only to bagder her for money owed :: she says there is no one in her life she trusts

She lays in the hospital bed, crying, weeping and I feel there is nothing I can do to mend her pain. This isn't pain relieved with any amount of vicodin or morphine; this pain takes time to heal. It's overwhelming. I try to talk to her, but she's quiet and closed off - her tears are the only way she's communicating with me. But she doesn't want me to leave. So I sit at her side, holding her hand, and the tears stream down my face. I keep thinking I haven't a clue what to say; there are no words to fit this present moment. I keep crying, feeling her pain to the slightest degree and I realize these tears speak more than words ever could. What breaks my heart the most is she feels she has no one in her life to trust. No one. No hope. No stability. She walks this 'meaningless' painful road of life alone. And it breaks me to the core.

This is where the Heart of God yearns to breathe His life.

Unleash Your Spirit, I pray.

And my heart rejoices.
I look at the last two posts on here, and all I see is the contrast in seasons of life. This past fall was a hard one no doubt, with all of its anger and frustrating wonder, but all the while, You were there. And You still are, here with me now. Though the times and circumstances constantly change, You remain the same. Thank You for Your grace, for walking me through that dark road, for keeping my heart with Yours even when I was mad at You and had nothing great to say to You. Lord, Lord, Your goodness continually astounds me.

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
That my heart may sing to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give You thanks forever."
Psalm 30:11-12

Those verses speak my heart.

I'm thankful for everything: the good, the bad, the challenging, the wrestling and fighting. I'm thankful You always win. The truths You impressed on my heart through the struggle are invaluable and wouldn't have been learned otherwise. I rejoice in You and thank You again for the story of grace You have written and continue to write. I can't doubt Your goodness.

To Be Told.
It's almost fuzzy and surreal, but in my life right now I profoundly feel God going before me in quite nearly every aspect of my life, large and small - all the way from repeated unexpected encounters with the woman I stood in line with waiting to get my tires changed to being used as a vessel to let God breathe His life into another's weary heart. In a way, I feel almost a disconnect from my own individual sense and that instead of my own leading, it is God writing and unfolding the story of my life - for the future down the road, but also specifically in the day to day present. I am the privileged character in this story as the recipient of such intention, attentiveness, and creativity. Oh Lord, how great is Your love. And all I have to say out of this heart of deep thanks is... keep going, it is my joy to speak well of Your Name.

Authentic Living.

'It's not our accomplishments or achievements that matter... but our heart toward God - that's what really matters: living faithfully in the NOW - whatever circumstance or opportunity that is'. Those very words came from my mouth as I spoke with a friend reflecting on this past summer with all of its difficulty, setbacks and unknowns. I hesitated halfway and nearly couldn't finish my sentence. I knew what I wanted to say, I knew I wanted my heart to genuinely reflect the truth I was speaking, but in its own honesty, I knew my words were flat and empty. Failure in the spotlight of others' eyes is never a pleasant experience and many times the resistance and frustration has made me want to run relying on my own strength and will. I felt nothing but conviction when those words fell from my lips knowing my heart did not stand one with God, unified with His likeness.

Jesus, Jesus, may the course of my heart continue to change toward choosing the road that permits Your refinement in all of me.

'being' vs. 'doing' ... there's a big difference.

Balance.
Once of the keys to the Christian walk is learning balance in all of life.
Seriously, I never thought such a 'non-spiritual ' word could sum this up so well.

Too much rest and you're lazy.
Too much work and you're resentful.

Too much giving and you're unhealthy.
Too much taking and you're confined.

Too much authority and you debilitate others.
Too much apathy and you debilitate yourself.

Too much talking and you're not attending.
Too much listening and you're not sharing.

Too much independence and you become isolated.
Too much dependence and you become stunted.

Too much expectation and you're disconcerted.
Too little expectation and you're limited.

And on it goes... Jesus, help us to decipher the thin lines...

History in Friendship
We played in the rice table together in kindergarten. We felt exhilarated sliding in the mud of a downpour during a soccer game when we were 12. We shared our secrets about boys and crushes in jr. high. As we grew older, we learned to give one another room for change and growth, each in our own ways, but found that through very different avenues and influences, God placed similar dreams and desires on both our hearts.

We are kindred spirits.
She is my best friend.

She's on the other side of the world. No talk: no phone, no internet, no email. Barely letters. With all this change and transition as of late, I'm just wanting to sit with her in a reverie, escaping to our imaginations and dreams. I want to wonder and question with her. When we do that, we are always taken back to the mystery of God and our hearts are expanded. It's a gift to be understood. It's a gift to take that risk in revealing a desire or thought of your innermost being and discover that the offering is met with understanding and care. She is loyal in her understanding and care for me and has taught me the meaning of loyalty.

Missing you, tess... love you.